An apology

The management here at steve-kane.co.uk wish to apologise profusely to all those people who ended up here as a result of perusing various search engines for "anal sex" and all derivations thereof only to discover that Mr. Steve Kane's use of the tag "getting fucked in the arse" was merely an exclamation of frustration at his recent financial and employment woes and not, in fact, anything to do with pornography, anal or otherwise.

We are sorry for any confusion that Mr. Kane's choice of metaphor may have caused you sad, lonely perverts seeking hardcore imagery of taking it up the fudge-tunnel.

More work blah

Hmm, my recruitment agency specialise in supplying IT professionals, financial consultants and engineers, people who command 30K-50K per annum and beyond, people for whom it makes sense to sign up with an umbrella organisation.

What my recruitment agency don't deal in is lower-end office admin staff. They are clearly not the agency you go to fill such positions and yet that is what my employer did. Rather than tell my employer, "Um, actually, we don't really deal in that area,"£ they simply took the money and said, "No problem."

No wonder they farmed my payroll stuff out to an umbrella organisation: they simply handled me in exactly the same way as they handle the high-flying consultants on their books even though it is completely inappropriate for a £6.00 an hour admin temp.

Never mind: I've been offered another position by an agency who know what they are doing. And this position offers more money. And the daily bus ride is cheaper. And the job should be more interesting. So, fuck it: I'm outta' here.

I also found this very handy page on the BBC website about how to claim back those excessive penalty charges from evil banks. They even provide a template letter you can use that outlines all the legal precedents that support your demand for a refund. Splendid.

Bah, this whole thing is boring now. Time for a drink.

ADDENDUM: Hooray, Just heard about the new job and they want me to start on Monday. If I hadn't already bunked off work at lunchtime, I would tell the boss to stick the job up his arse and walk out triumphantly. I suppose I could go back to work just to tell him to stick the job up his arse and then walk out again. Or I could go to the pub.

Limited umbrella clarification

I lied... I think. I'm not a limited company after all, I am a PAYE employee of the umbrella company employed by the recruitment agency employed by the company I work for. As far as I can ascertain, this is the worst option for me in terms of tax and National Insurance contributions. Or is it? Would it make any difference if I was simply on the recruitment agency's payroll? I have no idea but I am certain of one thing: whatever advantages there are ta an umbrella company to handle my wages, those advantages benefit the recruitment agency and not me. I'm going to get some legal advice about all this.

Whatever I find out, though, I ain't paying the £50 umbrella set-up charge.

Meanwhile, I have discovered this very useful page on the BBC's website about how to claim back bank penalty bank charges for, say, exceeding your overdraft limit for one day. They even provide a template letter for you to send to the bank invoking all the legal precedents that back up your complaint. That'll be going in the post this week.

Panic over. I have some money now and I am of a mind to kick some arse. It's all good.

And he's on the floor again...

BAM! Another £60.00 in bank charges for breaching my overdraft limit by... let's check... £11.50. It's a fair cop.

Hang on, everybody - if I just... bend over a little more... and sort of... put my legs apart like this... then you can all fuck me in the arse at once.

And, once again, it all goes to ratshit

To summarise recent events, then, the combination of not getting paid when I should have been paid by my recruitment agency and being bludgeoned with a fistful of extortionate bank charges has left me utterly fucked, financially speaking.

Wait a minute, there's something I forgot to mention, and this is a doozy. I don't actually get paid by the recruitment agency. No, no, no. I submit a timesheet to them (or, at least, try to), timesheet then gets sent to an umbrella company, umbrella company raises invoice, sends invoice to recruitment agency, recruitment agency pays umbrella company, umbrella company pays me. I mentioned earlier that I have been set up as a limited company. The one detail that I have actually forgotten throughout this debacle is that I have to pay umbrella company £50.00 for setting up my payroll. Yes, that's right: I have to pay them to pay me. Er... right.

I could understand all this faffing around to set me up as a limited company if I was a freelance copywriter or consultant on £20.00 an hour but is it necessary for a lowly admin assistant on a pissing £6.00 an hour? What the fuck was I thinking? How could I have been so fucking stupid to have thought that this was a deal worth accepting? Oh yeah, I desperately needed to be earning some fucking money. Except, of course, I haven't yet been paid a fucking penny anyway so I may as well have stayed at home and waited for another position from an agency who don't piss around with umbrella companies to pay their temps.

I am so mad at myself right now. How could I have been such a dumbarse fuckwit? I pondered this all day at work today and it made me angrier and angrier, so much so that I had to leave early because I thought I would throw up. I've been fucking shafted by a bastard recruitment agency again - except that this time I let them fucking do it.

It's all gone to fucking ratshit. How did I let this happen?

Bunch of bankers

The Office Of Fair Trading announced an investigation into UK bank charges last week. This follows an informal six-month look at how much banks charge their customers on current accounts for, say, exceeding their overdraft limits.

This issue is of particular interest to me because I was recently shafted by Halifax.

During that slightly precarious period between leaving the council and securing this 12-month job contract, my cashflow was interrupted. I had a bit of money dribbling in from a couple of short-short-short-term temp assignments - three days of shifting office furniture; that was fun - but my rent was due and I simply didn't have it. So, much to my chagrin because I hate sponging, I placed a call to my emergency cash lenders, i.e. the parents. They were, of course, only too willing to help me out and promptly sent a cheque.

So, cheque from parents gets paid into account and would take three days to clear but - ach! - I make a mistake in my calculations and set up the standing order to pay out my rent one day before my parents' cheque clears.

What happens? Halifax kindly inform me that a payment I attempted to make took my account over its overdraft limit and so they were going to charge me £39.00. Except that I didn't go over my overdraft limit because the transaction failed and the money didn't actually go anywhere. Halifax didn't charge me for spending money that still had one day to clear into my account but merely for attempting to spend money that had one day to clear into my account. OK, sure, I made a mistake for trying to spend money that hadn't yet cleared but to incur a charge of £39.00? A little harsh, perhaps?

Oh, but that's not all. On the same day that I attempted to spend £400 that hadn't cleared, a monthly direct debit that I set up to donate some money to a charity for orphans went through. Halifax did cough up to cover this payment and, in doing so, I did exceed my overdraft limit. And how much do I donate to the orphans every month? £3. Yup, three... whole... English... pounds. How far over my overdraft limit did this staggering act of philanthropy take me? Oooh, about £2.46. Halifax charged me £30 for that as well.

£69.00 in total. For exceeding my overdraft limit by £2.46 (because, let's not forget, the rent transaction failed to go through). For one day. Thanks, Halifax. You can take your jolly, suited, soul-singing bank managers and "Xtra Value" and stick 'em up your arse.

"I'm not saying banks are perfect, but surely they do not deserve to be hated."
- Angela Knight, chief executive designate of the British Bankers Association (BBA)

New addition to the shitlist

Hooray! New job! New income! Money coming in again! Except that it isn't because the useless fuckwits at the recruitment agency who placed me in my new job have had "technical problems" with my user account on their swanky online timesheet submission system. This means that despite entering my timesheet three times onto their system (and getting it approved each time by my supervisor) they were not able to get me on the payroll on time which means that my first week's wages (that would be the week starting Monday 19th March) will not clear in my bank account until next fucking Thursday.

Considering the complete lack of support I got from my previous agency when I mentioned that I had been harassed and slandered by a permanent employee of the council for the best part of six months then you'll maybe understand why rectruitment agencies are not my favourite organisations right now. If there are any temps reading this then please remember that if it ever comes down to a choice of your agency supporting your needs or maintaining their relationship with a big, juicy client then be in no doubt that it will be you who gets fucked over.