Ballot Box #1

In the start of a new series that will probably fizzle out in a staggeringly short space of time given my equally short attention span... what was I saying? Oh yes, I thought I would canvas the opinions of you, dedicated readers of this almost entirely pointless blog, on a variety of utterly trivial topics.

The first subject will be amusing song titles. Here are some of mine:

• Space Donkeys On Crack by Alexanders Dark Band
• Your Children Are Waiting For You To Die by mclusky
• Mummy, I've Had An Accident by LFO

There you go - now tell me some of yours. It doesn't matter if you actually like the songs or not, the question is only about song titles that have amused or intrigued you.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong #3

Handmade Films are plundering their back catalogue in order to shit on the memory of... sorry, I mean to say remake some classic British films for a contemporary international audience.

Among the titles up for ruination are Terry Gilliam's Time Bandits, Neil Jordan's Mona Lisa (with - woohoo - Larry "Kids" Clark at the helm) and - I can barely bring myself to say it - The Long Good Friday...

... relocated to contemporary Miami.

... and directed by... directed by... oh, for fuck's sake... Paul WS Anderson.

The London setting and the IRA are intrinsic elements of the original film; they're what the film is about. Transposing the story, the mere sequence of events, to Miami strips away everything that raised the original above and beyond a generic gangster flick. And allowing Paul WS Anderson, the hack who brought us such timeless classics as Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil and Alien Vs. Predator, to direct... that's just an insult to humanity.

What next? A remake of Withnail & I with Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Simpson? "Yeah, see, let's make Withnail a girl and they can fall in love. It would be a smash hit romantic comedy: When Withnail Met I!"

There are some studio executives out there who need to have a few things explained to them with a very heavy piece of wood with a nail in it.

Claim to fame

According to Google, I might very well have the most pointless blog in the world.

Ever slept in a Hilton?

Paris Hilton's 45 days jail sentence for breaking her probation for a drink-driving conviction has resulted in the following open petition to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger:

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

Just to clarify, if your life is so mundane that the antics of some talentless little rich girl whose celebrity status stems from footage leaked on t'interweb of her sucking dick is enough to excite and entertain you then you deserve nothing less than the utmost contempt and scorn from all sentient beings upon this planet and to rot in the same prison cell as that empty-headed blonde piece of spoilt trash for all eternity .

An apology

The management here at steve-kane.co.uk wish to apologise profusely to all those people who ended up here as a result of perusing various search engines for "anal sex" and all derivations thereof only to discover that Mr. Steve Kane's use of the tag "getting fucked in the arse" was merely an exclamation of frustration at his recent financial and employment woes and not, in fact, anything to do with pornography, anal or otherwise.

We are sorry for any confusion that Mr. Kane's choice of metaphor may have caused you sad, lonely perverts seeking hardcore imagery of taking it up the fudge-tunnel.