Guilt

I am currently languishing under such heavy pangs of guilt the likes of which have not burdened my soul for as long as I can remember. I have to turn my head slightly away from the window next to my computer desk lest I accidentally catch a glimpse of the reflection of my shameful visage. Oh, cursed mirrors! Taunt me not with images of my own black, selfish heart! Oh, I am to suffer this merciless torment of guilt until the end of my days. Such a small temptation but - woe! - such a terrible price of anguish to pay!

But what can I have possibly done to inspire such pangs of guilt? I'll tell you what:

I am currently eating a flapjack the size of a brick

And it is fucking lovely.