Hey there, little lady

There is nothing quite so funny as a bunch of men in the workplace clamoring to facilitate the needs of an attractive woman.

I currently work for a bunch of middle-aged, slightly balding, chubby building surveyors who are all nice enough but with whom I have nothing in common; typical 'blokes'. Their leader is an especially clueless little man who ended up as the manager of a project about which he knows nothing because he happened to be passing the water cooler when the directors were discussing who should run it: "What about that guy? Fuck it, he'll do." He can often be found wandering aimlessly from office to office, along corridors and up and down staircases pretending to be on his way somewhere to do something important.

Yesterday he was lurking without purpose around my desk when the new, young, attractive female Customer Liaison Officer came in with a council tenant's query. Clueless Manager immediately adopted that weird approximation of charm and wit that only charmless and witless men can achieve. He took the attractive Liaison Officer into the building surveyors' office next door to mine. Although I could see them through the large partition window, I could not hear them. I didn't need to: Clueless Manager's body language spoke volumes. He perused the shelves of files trying to exude an air of great knowledge and wisdom whilst clearly having no idea what he was looking for. And then the other building surveyors drifted into the conversation, rising from their desks for no apparent reason and moving to surround the girl with as much nonchalance as they could muster. They smiled, they nodded and they spoke with feigned authority to impress the her. Oh yes, they were happy to do anything, anything at all to help, their door is always open, anytime she needs anything she has only to ask, hey.

It is hilarious but also strangely poignant to watch these unremarkable, uncomplicated little men trying in vain to appear suave, sophisticated, witty and impressive and then, once the object of the desire has left, reverting back to their simple schoolboy nudging and smirking.

And me? Whenever I am in the vicinity of an attractive woman at work I usually adopt a deadpan, mildly sarcastic and indifferent aura or I simply smile politely, shut the fuck up and get on with what I am doing because, honestly, if I try to be charming I only ever succeed in being foolish.