The Dating Game... er... Business

Online dating: yes, I have to admit that I am giving this a try. How else is a shy, caustic, socially awkward misanthrope like me supposed to meet gurlz in a town where he has approximately one friend? That's what the interweb is for: a way for social retards like me to pretend that they are attractive, popular and outgoing. But it's a numbers game. I have to accept the fact for every woman subscribed to these services there are about - oooooh - a googol of men who are too busy, too shy, too weird or too detained at Her Majesty's pleasure to find a date out there in the real world. So, basically, you girls can afford to be choosy. Great for you, not so great for the likes of me.

The hardest part is writing a profile. I've spent hours writing, revising, scrapping and re-writing my profile, trying to find a balance between sincerity and attractiveness. It's fucking hard: You want to give some flavour of your personality, your individuality, but don't want to scare people away by being too candid.

The danger is erring on the side of caution and writing something utterly bland and generic. At least, that is what I sometimes feel when reading girls' profiles. The rest of the time I wonder if there are simply lots of really dull women out there.

Common Dating Profile Comments:

• "I like fun nights out and also quiet nights in" (bottle of wine optional) - If one were to make a sweeping universal generalisation extrapolated from dating profiles then every woman alive likes "fun nights out and quiet nights in". I would guess that around 85% of profiles I have read includes this statement; and what a vague and unilluminating phrase it is, a phrase that is designed to appeal to the broadest possible target audience without actually telling you a damn thing. I like doing anything, going out, staying in, don't mind, have no opinion, don't want to scare any potential suitors by showing signs of individuality, must be as blank and non-threatening as possible. It is one of those statements that can be taken as read: Who never goes out with their friends, ever? Who goes out every single night of their life? Are you terrified of expressing a liking for anything that might alienate even one potential date or are you simply not interested in anything at all and had to put something?


• "My interests include socialising" - Can 'socialising' really qualify as an 'interest'? Who joins a dating agency if not to meet people, ergo, to sociialise? Your mere presence on a dating website indicates that you wish to socialise. And who doesn't socialise? If you have even one solitary friend with whom you have contact, no matter how sporadically, then you socialise. To socialise is to be human. How can being human be a hobby? You might as well say "my interests include sitting down and breathing". 'Socialising' is not an interest, it is something everybody does by virtue of being alive.


• "I'd like to meet someone with similar interests to me" - A fair enough statement but not entirely helpful when you haven't actually stated what your interests are (unless stated interests are "nights out, nights in, socialising", in which case you are seeking a man whose interests include not being dead).


• "I have a good social life and lots of friends but have yet to meet that special someone" - I'm not a sad, lonely, freakish Billy-No-Mates, honest! It is understandable why people feel the need to say something like this but it's not really necessary. Believe it or not, many people who use online dating aren't freaks or weirdos or social retards, they're just too busy with trying to survive in today's demanding world. Besides, where does one go to meet people? Bars? Nightclubs? That's fine for certain types of people but not ideal for many. Having said that, there are plenty of freaks, weirdos and social retards using online dating services so you can't be too careful. But in an increasingly alienating, dispassionate, fast-paced world that simply isn't conducive to forming meaningful long term relationships of any kind, least of all in the workplace where many of us spend most of our lives, then what better options are there?


• "I'm a bit mad!" - trans. I'm loud and annoying.


• "I'm married so I'm not looking for a date - just want to meet some new people and chat" - This is curious. The web is a big old beast. There are online communities covering just about every possible interest and subject anyone could possibly think of and quite a few no-one would think of. So, if you want to meet and chat to some new people but are in a relationship and do not wish to find a date, why sign up to a dating service? Am I the only one who thinks that is a bit strange? What are these people really after? I dunno'... there's something odd about that.

There's something rather depressing about online dating. It is yet one more example of life being reduced to a marketing exercise, humans reduced to product. Sending a message to a woman via a dating website is like sending out a job application. In most cases, a woman can probably sign up, sit back, wait for eager messages from single men to arrive in their inboxes and then take their pick at their leisure. We blokes have to sell ourselves, pique your interest, draw you in... and that is only to get an initial response. How many times have my carefully worded opening gambits been totally ignored? Too many to mention.

Or am I making an unjustified assumption? Is the whole process just as daunting for women as it is for men? Or rather, for me? Perhaps some guys have absolutely no problems whatsoever and have a high success rate.

Either way, the slightest mistake, a single ill chosen phrase can result in severance of all communications no matter how well it was going up until that point. We are all so suspicious of everybody that even the merest hint that something is amiss is enough to send us running. Murderers, rapists, pedophiles, child pornographers, rabid religious fundamentalists, terrorists, reality TV contestants... the nutters are everywhere and probably looking for a date.